Hey,
How do you deal with positive feedback?
It seems like most of the literature on feedback focuses on negative feedback. Although it's very important to learn how to deal with constructive criticism, as well as not-so-constructive criticism, I think it's just as important to learn how to deal with praise.
I'm trying to get better at it because I don't think I've been dealing with positive feedback particularly great in the past years. Here are some of the things I experimented with and can recommend:
Don't be too quick to discard it.
Our brain is biased towards negativity for survival purposes. This predisposition is likely to contribute to you being more focused on negative feedback than its sunny sister. Be on the lookout for situations in which you quickly put compliments aside and take hours to ruminate on one negative comment.
Ask for specifics.
The more concrete the feedback, the more meaningful it will get. Whenever someone gives you a nice, but vague compliment, ask what they mean exactly. What does a good presentation mean to them? Did they like the design of your slides? If so, what did they like about it? Is it because they learned a lot? If so, what did they learn and what is their level of expertise with regards to the topic you talked about? At first, I found this a little evasive from time to time. A little voice in my head would say 'they've already given you a compliment, just be thankful and let them be' and another would say 'they'll just think you're fishing for more compliments, this is embarrassing. Turns out though, that you can quiet these voices by simply telling the other person that you're trying to learn and that it would help you to know exactly what you did well. (Who knew communication is a good thing? ;-))
Save them for a rainy day.
Positive and negative feedback are usually not equally distributed throughout your life. They're like waves crashing over you. To make sure you stay afloat when you are hit by a stream of negative feedback, save the positive feedback for a rainy day. I have a document somewhere on my computer of compliments that people have given me throughout the years. Sometimes, when I could use some perspective I go to that document and read a few of them. Not because I only want to hear the positive feedback, but because the negative feedback is sometimes easier to hear when you remind yourself that there are also things that you've done well.
Make sure it touches your heart, not your ego.
Whenever you receive a compliment two things can happen: you feel proud, your chest expands, you get a little high on life and you slightly lose the ability to accurately assess your abilities. In the other scenario, you feel moved, your heart warms, you might even feel a little shy, you naturally smile and feel humbled. In the first scenario, your ego is touched, in the second the compliment landed in your heart.
I'm not going to say ego is unhealthy, because I don't believe it is. It is a slippery slope, however, as your ego that has just been fed is like a sugar-rush. For a while, it will make you feel happy and on top of the world. You will feel super energized and invincible. Inevitably, however, it will wear out and you'll become tired, grumpy, and feel empty.
When you truly accept positive feedback with humility and gratitude, however, it will end up in your heart, which is a much better idea in the long run.
Have a great week,
Sources I’d recommend on this topic:
Ego is the enemy by Ryan Holiday
The road to character by David Brooks
Did you like this newsletter?
In case you like reading Emma’s Notes and want to show your gratitude in the form of money, you can donate below. Your support enables me to continue to dedicate my time and energy to writing these newsletters independently. All donations, no matter how small are very much appreciated :)
Tune written to:
Viseons of Gideon by Sufjan Stevens
Got this forwarded? Sign up below.